growing again

Today I was drenched gut deep in wailing Mediterranean winds pushing raindrops with such vigor you could believe each little drop had a purpose. Who would believe that my most challenging rain bicycle adventure would be in Israel. This place continues to amaze me every day. I was so drenched from pushing my way through the wind I figured I would stop at the shuk and get some carrots for soup. The crusty old vegetable man with the cigarette hanging out of him tried to put me under his coat, dried my hands off on his belly and kept trying to wipe the water off of me.  He wouldn't let me go back into the rain and filled my bag with an extra beet, a lemon, and some odd looking potato carrot wrinkly ginger looking things I could not identity or understand.  Today in ulpan we learned the words for weather. Funny here they have one verb for putting on clothes, another for putting on shoes, another for putting on hats, and I think another for putting on gloves. For each you have to use the verb. We have umpteem ways of describing snow and here it's such an occasion for putting on clothes they have special verbs. In New England you would never get out of the house.

There are accumulating things I love about Israelis...

The other day I met someone with Hollow and exchanged the usual ... is she o.k. oh she's 15 she looks great... followed by ... "15? you know you don't have much time left?" Here they just say it. Every Israeli had managed to let me know that Hollow is old and they are not afraid to say the inevitable. Truth is, they are preparing well for nature's way.

And they talk to each other. They are not afraid of each other. All the time. On their cell phones, walking, driving, on bicycles, all over the streets, on the beach, in the cafes.... and especially when they have a question. They just ask. They want to know where something is, they ask. They want to why your here, they ask. They want to know how much is your rent they ask. They want to know what the line is for, how you get somewhere, how you do something or if someone is in the bathroom stall they just ask. Simple. And people respond with a completely normal capacity for responding. When you live in a country where people are available or the asking.... things happen.

And for me I am still hibernating in my new apartment here in Neve Tzedek in Tel Aviv and trying to heal my tired body.
Last night I unpacked the last box! The giraffe that Michael and I share is  here, the ringing bell from Erica is swinging on my mirpesset, the props and sandbox from my kids are here, the cook books, the high school year book and the old cedar chest from my great grandmother. My mother's old records, my grandmother's chair, and unfinished art projects. The full out shedding and recording of my belonging before I left was well worth it. My life is here. Full and abundant and with history and everything that arrived I am glad to have. It was grueling, I have to be honest. But it's been the unlayering of my life.

As I give away and sell and move and experience and unpack and sneeze, I feel truly that I am shedding off the year's of living almost. Almost as myself, almost in myself and my place. It's exhausting to live not as your full self. It's done it's damage to my body and spirit, but as I shed off the layer of adaptation and pains, I'm finding the soul untouched. It's as I remember it at birth and I'm closer and closer to living as myself each day. It's a wonder when you completely start over. You truly can be as you wish. There is noone to resist.

I've been sick for weeks. Asthma, sinuses, can't breath, keep bumping into things, falling over, cutting myself and finding all sorts of ways to need bandaids. I feel layers deeper into the unveiling of my birth. I'm going forward from my fortieth birthday starting life again and backwards as I shed off the layers of old unsuccessful lives back to the beginning. It's strange how much I feel the symptoms I am experiencing are old. I am now in the deep early stages of asthma and sensitivities to life.

Here there are pharmacists who are naturapaths also. I sat with one the other day trying to sort out and source the intensity of my experiences. He showed me a pyramid beginning at birth and going up the left side of the triangle with 0,7,14, 21 years at the point, and down with 28, 35, 42. The years going up correspond with the years going down and indicate a parallel of reexperiencing at 28 what you did at 14, 35 at 7, and 42 at birth. That puts me and my Aliyah at the stage from 1-2 years of age. Right when my asthma was terrible, I was allergic to everything, and I was testing out this new world. This is when I almost died from asthma.  Now is when my asthma has the sheer resemblance to my early years... and it's persistence and presence has left me wondering and saying so for weeks before I learned of this theory. I have been learning to walk, learning to talk, bumping into things, saturated with new stimulation, and absolutely absorbing. I feel as if I am new and developing an immune system and saying goodbye to the old ways my body tried to survive.  It's a bit circular to feel the parts of my body that hold the memories as they were recorded. If you go back into yourself enough, you get to the old cells. If this is your journey. It's not for everyone.

Today I talked to Cary for the first time. And today and I met Senai. Her gorgeous little new baby. We have a lot in common. He's having some trouble with his lungs and some dislike for the toxins in his little body. He's having more challenges than the average new little life. Gam Ani. We said goodbye and I went to make carrot soup...a bit like baby food I realized. He and I are going to grow up together. I bet we can learn a lot from each other. "All beginnings are hard" they say here. Le'at le'at, slowly slowly.